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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

  • You Never Know!

    High school is over. 

    It’s crazy to believe it. I’ve thought about this for so long and now that it’s reality, I still feel like it’s not even true. Deep down, I’m quite excited. LSU will more than likely end up being a good change for me and I’m more than ready for the challenges it holds. 

    Louisiana already feels like summer. High of 92 today and I’m spending the day in the sun! Time to relax and think for once. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I’ve been pretty busy with the end of school and parties and so forth. I swear I’ve been drunk every weekend for the past 2 months. Definitely something to be proud of. I’ve been learning how good it is to take time out for yourself. 

    Today is a big day for me. Not only my last day of high school, but my last day at Cane’s. It’s a much needed change. I’ve realized during my stint there that the fast food industry is something I have no desire to continue to follow. Definitely not advisable for people with a brain. But life is still good... Got a good job at a local golf course restaurant bartending, waitressing, and running the beer cart around for all of the guys. I’ve made over $1,000 in a few months so it’s really a job I should have gotten a long time ago but good things take a bit longer to come by. It’s going to be hard leaving all of the awesome people I’ve met from working at Cane’s, but I know that I’m doing the best thing for me. It’s time for me to live.

    Well in the time I’ve been away from my blogging, I’ve been revisiting an old flame. No, it’s definitely not Nick. Nick is far away now and that’s a good thing. This old flame is Dale... the guy who kinda had a double life the whole time we dated last summer. Well, we work together now at the restaurant. We kind of flirted for a while and those who know me, know that flirting to me is something that really never registers in my head. Well there was this night where the guys in the kitchen (including Dale) invited me to a party out in Slaughter. I was feeling adventurous so I went along. Got drunk and made out with Dale in front of everyone... Just beautiful. 

    Since that night, we’ve kind of had this thing going. We’re not dating... it would complicate a lot of things for us. For now, we hang out a lot, go to parties together, bring each other Smoothie King, make out, call each other Babe, and do just about anything but be officially dating. Everyone else thinks we’re dating, and we are both at the point that we just let them think whatever they want to. We know the truth and every time we attempt to explain it, they never get it. 

    There’s something between us. Things are so different this time. We understand each other a lot more than we did the first time. The biggest reason we don’t want to be  in a relationship is because we’re both not ready for it. We don’t want to be attached or feel like we are under any obligation of some sort. I guess we just don’t wanna screw up and for now, this is just perfect.

    But now I’m really wondering about things now. This morning my mom was gone at work and I had the whole house to myself. Well I invited Dale over for breakfast and we ate some cinnamon rolls. Well we decided to skinny dip in my pool which was really fun and kind of cold! So I had to wash my hair because I colored it recently and it can’t handle chlorine. Dale joined me in the shower...another fun event. Ha! Well after the shower one thing led to another and he was putting on a condom and we had sex in a few fun places. I almost made him late to work today!

    After everything that has gone down today, the sex has changed everything. I am so ridiculously confused. The sex was good, but I have to be honest with myself. It was just sex for me. I didn’t really connect with him like I thought I would. I don’t know what was missing. Honestly, I’m at a loss. I don’t know if I thought I had some glorified imagination in my head or if it was really something that I shouldn’t have been doing in the first place. It really frustrates me. I want to question everything now! The hardest thing is that Dale is looking for me to say something and I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know where to go from here. 

    Maybe I’m not meant to be in this relationship with Dale. I have no clue. Is it okay to just have sex and it not mean anything? Is that totally wrong? Should I even be doing this? This is supposed to be the easiest summer of my life and its starting out to be possibly the most confusing one I’ve ever had!


Saturday, 09 April 2011

  • Life is like a Mardi Gras parade

    As the Editor-in-Chief of Hoofprints, I have had issues. Deadline issues, censorship issues, even a few more issues than last year. Our staff has produced a Homecoming issue, a Freshman issue, and it’s all come to this: the Senior issue. Our last issue. It’s time for me to step back and say my final adieus. 

    This has been a wildly successful year. We have added issues and produced 11 papers this year (don’t worry, one more is to come!). Our staff has grown in their writing skills and as every issue makes its way into the hands of students each month, I am proud to see it being read. Many people who have never gotten to read a single issue, now have been able to see the hard work we put into each issue and are excited about our progress. 

    I wish to first thank everyone at ZHS. You are who we write for. Thanks for stopping me in the hall to pick up the issue and for sharing it with others after reading it. Your enthusiasm for Hoofprints has often kept me going and constantly thinking about what you wish to see in the next issue. 

    Also, a big thank you goes out to our advisor, Mr. Murray. You have put up with it all: controversial articles, lethargic staff members, and an editor who oftentimes felt like she was losing her mind! You have been our support, knew what questions to ask, and always have been a listening ear on our worst days. You have enriched our lives and we are so thankful for you this year. 

    Before I announce the next Editor-in-Chief for the 2011-2012 school year, I want to leave you with a few thoughts. As my high school years end, I’ve certainly learned a lot. Really, as I look back, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Even though some parts were rough and hard on me, it has made me the strong person I am today. Ultimately, it helped me to realize that as long as I stay true to myself, I will always have people surrounding me and supporting me. That’s what has gotten me to this place in my life. I no longer in fear of what someone else may say or think, and if they don’t like me or who I am, I’ll be just fine at the end of the day. 

    You will all come to learn what success is. It’s no longer about having the Ferrari or marrying someone with a lot of money. For me, success is just having happiness in my life. I don’t need a fancy car or the latest clothes. Those are all nice things and blessings if they ever come your way, but as long as I can look back on my day, happy about the outcome that’s all I need.

    In these past few years, I’ve also learned to not give advice. I know it sounds like an enormous oxymoron, but no amount of advice I can pass along to you is going to be beneficial. For one, I’m not you and no one else is you. (Thank god, right?) Because you are one of kind, no one else lives your life (another good thing). Every situation is different and honestly, there is no one solution to every problem. Secondly, you won’t listen. I don’t care who you are, but when push comes to shove, you will follow your heart. And you may make mistakes. Mistakes are what make us learn and move forward from it. The only advice I would definitely suggest you take is the advice of a map.... I wouldn’t want you to get lost. 

    For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’m quite honestly a nerd. I would often stress myself out over things like tests and papers. I was afraid to fail. But one day, I took an online course by the name of Latin II. It was a horridly rough class and I made a C: failing for me. I was devastated. But because of my “fail,” I’ve learned that Dr. Hill is a much better Latin teacher than any online class and to take things one step at a time and relax. So I would like to console you all with the thought that it’s okay to fail, as long as you fail forward. Learn from it, become better than your failure. 

    Ever since moving to Louisiana about a year and a half ago, I’ve learned to love Louisiana, the food, and the culture. Mardi Gras has officially become my favorite holiday and I always look forward to King Cake season. In the words of Ellen DeGeneres, life is certainly just like a Mardi Gras parade. Instead of throwing out kisses to 60 year old men in costumes and showing off your dance skills, if you just show people your brain and heart, you will certainly end up with more “beads” than you know what to do with!

     

    Thank you again to those who have believed in me and supported me through my high school career. I have needed those words of wisdom to make it to where I am: going onto bigger and better things! As I leave, I hereby pass my Torch of Leadership to Kirsten Mixon. Not only is her name ridiculously easy to remember, but she has greatly contributed to the success of the newspaper these past few years. I know that she will continue to keep Hoofprints the paper you have come to know and love. The next issue will be completely under her leadership and I know it will grow even greater than it has next year!


Monday, 21 March 2011

  • End of a Chapter, Looking Forward to the Next One :)

    It’s crazy to think that’s it’s almost here. Graduation. The culmination of too long being stuck in public schooling.

    There’s so much going on. From Prom in exactly 14 days and an AP test in 46 days! Damn. My mind is constantly in several thousand different places and I wish it could all stop for a moment. Granted, things are starting to just make sense to me and I’m really figuring things out for once. 

    Except for Prom. I was the weird person that found my dress in early February. Alterations are being finished and the shoes are perfect. But there’s a big piece of my Senior Prom missing: a date. Yup. As of this minute, I am without a date. I guess this is Daniel’s way of getting back at me for not going to his prom with him and forcing him into going to his prom by himself. But it’s okay. I’m at the point where I’m okay with going by myself. I’ve got plans to go out to dinner with 4 of my best friends and their dates so I’ll be in good company. This is one night I don’t want to look back on and be upset that I didn’t take time out for fun. If I end up having the best luck in the world and some guy magically asks me to prom, I’ll be cool with it. But either way, I’m looking forward to it. Hopefully it will be one of my best memories of high school... fingers crossed.

    When Prom isn’t on my mind, it’s college or work. I now work two jobs and basically work 5 to 7 days out of the week. I had the night off tonight and literally didn’t know what to do with myself. Talk about ridiculous! haha. I love the waitressing job, not so much the drama. More along the lines of the fast money. Cane’s isn’t horrible but the pay and long hours really aren’t for me. I enjoy my coworkers but other than that, there’s  not too many positives. I’m keeping both for the time being. Hopefully, I can do both until I go off to college. 

    Speaking of college, I’m starting to get my mind set. After visiting Loyola for Mardi Gras (perfect time of the year!!!), I loved it all. It really fit me well and I honestly felt like I could see myself there. But after I got a call from my best friend’s grandfather, it all became clearer after he told me this:  your bachelor’s is just a ticket to your master’s. That just made it all clearer. Why would I spend over $160,000 on a BACHELOR’s degree? Makes no sense. So now I’m deciding to instead live at home (at least for a year), keep my waitressing job, and commute to LSU. It’s not totally ideal but if I find something better or something, I’ll take it. But for money’s sake, I need to save up and take every bit of help I can. I honestly would rather not stay home, but I doubt I’ll have any other better option at this point. 

    A lot has been going on. At the same time, it’s all slowing down. Now that Nick has FINALLY gotten the picture and things are finally done, it’s back to singledom for me. I’m really excited about it. I love to flirt and now being able to do it again without any remorse is awesome! My days are now much more open than they were and it’s nice to have a day not worried about seeing the ball and chain. I’ve made a huge decision in that aspect of my life: no dating anyone until I get settled in college. I just think that it’s time for me to cleanse my life of relationships and get a fresh look on life. I need to get my act together and actually figure me out better. I’ve changed so much since I moved to Louisiana and honestly, I still question who I am. My morals and lifestyle have done a complete 180 degree turn and I have never had time to myself to really figure it all out. 

    As this chapter of my life is taking its own ending, it’s time for me to start thinking about the next part of my life. Maybe I won’t make as many mistakes and maybe I’ll end up with a life I love. Maybe I will find people who will embrace me and who I am instead of be fake. I’m so excited to see it all happening. It still freaks the hell out of me but I know that I’m going to be so glad at the end of the day of where I’m at in life. These are the best days. :)

Saturday, 12 March 2011

  • Navigating It All

    Time is truly flying by. Mardi Gras is over, unfortunately, and I feel like everything is running together at this point. It's crazy to think that in a little over two months, I'll be crossing a stage to receive my high school diploma. It's so surreal. 

    I'm so thankful for it though, honestly. High school hasn't really been that great for me, but I've had some moments I'll have a hard time forgetting. I've also had some amazing friends who have helped me become who I am and stood beside me through some very rough times in my life. But there have also been a lot of moments, especially recently that have just spoken to me that I need high school to leave me and be done with it. High school has changed me for sure. I don't even recognize my innocent and naive freshman self. Between moving and drama and everything in between, I've been through a lot. Most high school kids have never been through my situations, and honestly I think that's because they couldn't handle all of that. In the end, I've become a stronger person and feel like I can tackle anything. I've been completely alone for months at a time, I've had to navigate a whole new life and different set of people, and I've lost some friends and helf my head high through it all. It's good to know that life won't break you, especially if you have someone on your side. 

    Now, I'm trying to navigate college. Right now, the decision is killing me. I honestly don't want to go to LSU, but I feel like considering money and everything, that LSU might just be where I need to be, although I've been fighting it every step of the way. Loyola in New Orleans still holds my heart, but considering it's $40,000 a year, that's comparable to what I'll spend in about 3 years at LSU. It just doesn't make total sense. I kind of want to look into UNO and Southeastern, but I don't know if that's really where I need to be. Maybe what I'm fighting is where I need to be from the start. Part of me is really considering to live at home and commute the first year, especially with dorms and everything going up. It all still feels like a cloudy mess, but I hope I get some sort of clarity soon!

    Prom is officially 3 weeks away. I have a dress, shoes, a hair appointment, and a group (sort of). But here's the problem: I have no date. I have no clue of anyone who doesn't have a date yet, and all of the ones that are left are people who I'd rather just go without if you get my drift. This is the problem about being single: I can make out with 3 different guys at Mardi Gras (tee hee!) and feel no regret, but when Prom comes around, I'm scrambling to find someone who will just go with me. I'm starting to get a bit desperate. Part of me is starting to become okay with idea of going by myself. It's not totally ideal and I would prefer a date, but maybe I could pull it off. At the end of the day, I just want to look back on my Senior Prom and feel like it was a great part of my life. 

    I'm really enjoying this whole single thing. I have really placed myself away from Nick. Especially after the whole ordeal Monday with him crying on his knees and begging me to stay with him. That killed it for me, and since that night I know that I've gotta erase him from my life ASAP. I'm done playing games and dealing with his split personality of asshole and sweetheart. I've also decided that I'm done with sex for a while. It's just something I need to save for someone who's honestly worth it. I love sex, I just don't like the emotional attachment of it. That's why Nick has been holding on for 7 months now. I gotta free bird this last part of my life and live the hell out of it. There's not anymore time to waste it being tied down!! 

    Life is getting crazy... between college, 2 jobs, and the end of high school, it's all starting to end and I'm ridiculous excited for it!! :)

Monday, 14 February 2011

  • Finding Some Meaning to... everything

    Ah.... It's Valentine's Day. 

    It's definitely not the day I envisioned, but I think that it's been a good day. I've come to realize what Valentine's Day is really about. As soon as I say it, you all will definitely think I'm the absolutely weirdest child, but it's what has been on my mind all day. 

    Valentine's Day this year isn't all about the boyfriend this year like it's been in the past. I'm not some depressive girl sitting by herself this year, even though I am spending tonight all by myself. For me, it's been a great day because I've been able to surround myself with all of my friends. Today hasn't been about anything close to romance to me. It's more about the friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin and to hell and back with me. I love those people. This year, I tried to share my love for my friends with a simple Ring Pop and a Hello Kitty valentine you gave out in 1st grade (with glitter tattoos of course!!). 

    I feel like the luckiest girl in the world today. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I really feel like the people that have come into my life recently aren't by any mistake. They've been guiding me and helping me along the way, probably without even realizing it. I hope all of my friends in my life have realized how much they've touched me. There have been days I'd be pretending to be alright, when I just wanted find the nearest corner and just sit in it and cry, and I'd see a close friend who would give me the biggest hug and instantly that simple hug would just tell me that everything would be alright. I have no idea what I would do without them. They tell me the hard stuff, hold me up when I'm falling apart, and are there to just joke around and have fun.

    It's great to know that for once, today doesn't have to be focused on a boy and what we're going to do and what we're getting each other. That whole thing is honestly overrated and ridiculously stressful. And at this point, I know that my life will be drastically changing soon and that I can live without love for once. It's weird because I've always had love interests in my life, bouncing from one to another. I can't seem to think of a time in high school that I haven't had a "love" of a sort. Part of me was so insecure about the whole situation, the other part was needing some sort of attachment to someone. In 4 years, it's safe to say that I've walked away from it all with a lot of lessons learned. One of the biggest things I've learned is that it's okay to be alone. There's nothing wrong with being completely unattached. 

    Speaking of unattached, I guess I should update you all on the Nick situation. It's always proven to be a hell of a ride with him. We had a huge blowup 2 weeks ago and things didn't end well. It took me 2 days to actually answer his calls. We sat down for a "talk" and we said a lot of things that needed to be said. He explained to me why he dropped out of school the Monday after we broke up. I just laid things down like the reality of our situation. Honestly, now that he dropped out, he doesn't have a prayer of us getting back together. I won't do it. I can't. We have hung out a few times since then. I try to keep it short but it's hard. I can't just drop him. There's just so much between us. He's the guy I lost my damn virginity to, for God's sake! You don't just leave that so easily. I honestly don't think that we'll ever actually drop each other 'til I head off to New Orleans. It's just going to be one of those things. But I'm trying to make the transition. It's slow and honestly painful, but I know I'm doing the best thing for me. He's going to be devastated when he finds out that I won't take him to Prom with me, but I know if I did, it would only make it all worse. Like I said, it's all going to get better at some point. 

    I'm just ready for life to move on. It's time for a change. This is getting way too ridiculously repetitive. I've been sick of high school for a while, but now it's almost repulsive. Is that sad? I think that for once, I'm starting to get it. I can see this bigger picture that is so much more than I dreamed and I'm so excited for this part of my life. It's going to be great. It's just a matter of getting there. 

MissAllSmiles

  • Visit MissAllSmiles's Xanga Site
    • Name: Kirsten
    • Location: United States
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/27/2005

About Me

  • My life has been anything but normal. Having lived in 4 different states in the 18 short years of my life, I feel like I have almost seen it all sometimes. I love a good Yankee unsweet tea, yet could never move away from snowless winters, SunDrop, and chocolate gravy! Life is starting to get crazier and and crazier by the minute, and somehow I'm holding on. Being a Senior is great, but it just reminds me too often that I'll be off on my own before I know it. I am a single lady, and plan on staying that way for a very long time. I don't know if it's just me having high expectations or if I am dating the wrong guys or what, but my dating life has disappointed me constantly, and I'm on the verge of giving up. Somehow, in the midst of it all, I have some hope!